I'm 29 years old and I reside in Atlanta Georgia. I am totally on fire for God. He is the love of my life and the air that I breathe. It's so cool to be at this place in my life where I crave him. If I haven't spent time with him, I miss him.
A lot of what I will be blogging about will be in the form of letters to myself. Lately over the past few days, God has placed it on my heart to write letters to myself so that I can go back and read them and constantly be encouraged. These will be things that God is speaking to me, for me, and hopefully for some of you as well. I will be completely transparent and open with my readers.
Cool facts:
I am a PinkyPromise sister.
I am a born again virgin, in other words, I have not always honored God with my body but I made a decision to do so after completely surrendering my life to him.
I am a travel addict.
I am Single, not looking, waiting on God.
I am usually a very private and introverted person. But I feel God leading me to share my story.
I believe everything in the Bible is the ultimate truth.
My Background:
Life in the beginning - My mother was only 20 when she had me. She was already the mother of one. At the age of 18 she had been involved in an affair with a much older married man. He lied and told her he was getting divorced from his wife. But once he found out she was pregnant he took off back to his home state and back to his wife. He then tried to get her to have an abortion. But thankfully she did not. She had my sister, and soon after met my father, the man who would ultimately break her heart. She would soon find herself again pregnant and dumped by a man she thought loved her. Feeling very depressed, rejected, and unloved my mother decided she wanted to kill herself. When she told my father this he only reacted with "well have the baby first." Thankfully his mother, my Grandmother, talked my mom out of doing anything crazy. She also talked to her about getting into church. For this I will be forever grateful.
Life growing up - My mother ended up meeting the man who would ultimately become my stepfather shortly after I was born. They married and had two kids and we became one blended family of six. I can honestly say I am so grateful for my stepfather. He treated me and my sister like his own. He also never abused us in any way, which was rare among our peers. We heard so many horror stories of girls getting molested by men in their home. We never had that father daughter relationship, and even though my biological father was in my life, I didn't have it with him either. I love them both dearly but I would be lying if I said I was lacking in that area of my life growing up. My stepfather and I didn't really talk. He would tell us what to do and sometimes I would ask for things. But to sit down and really converse, that didn't happen. My biological father would come and get me for visits to his house but they became less and less the older I got and soon enough there would be months where I didn't even hear from him. It's like he stopped making an effort. So I just accepted it for what it was. I even convinced myself that it didn't bother me that I had a lack of a father figure. I remained close to my paternal grandparents though. They gave me that escape that I needed. Often times at home I felt the middle child syndrome so going to my grandparents house made me feel special. They spoiled me because I was their first grandchild and the only one who loved to come and visit.
So in a way, my grandfather was sort of a father figure to me.
Life in the church - My family started attending church regularly when I was around 3 or 4. I still remember the songs we sang in children's church and even our teachers. I thank God for that foundation and would later realize how important it would be. After moving across town my family started attending a different church which they would continue to attend for the next 20 years or so. Things started out great, but in many ways I feel that the influence this church had on my family and my faith were detrimental to my falling away from God later on in life. Growing up we were sheltered. This has a lot to do with some of the things my mom faced growing up as well as some of the church influence. I was pulled out of the public school system after 1st grade. I then attended the Christian school at my church which only had about 10-15 students. It felt a lot like we lived in a bubble. Everything in our social life revolved around the church. When I hit puberty at the age of 11 and begin to resemble a grown woman was when I started to feel scrutinized for the way I looked. I was constantly being told that my clothes were too tight, or immodest. When in reality I was just a curvy girl and couldn't help that my curves were now visible. For this reason people in my church labeled me as the fast one. So I was never invited to babysit their kids, go to certain sleepovers, or accompany my friends on family vacations. The pastor's wife actually told her niece that she was not allowed to email me because my email address had the words HotDiva in it. I was 15, liked sparkly furry things that has the words diva, hottie, cute, or whatever was cool at that time. And after all that judgement I was one of the few girls there who made it to the age of 18 still a virgin. I was 21 before I even kissed a boy. I didn't know how much those labels would affect me down the line. Needless to say, once I moved out of my mothers house and went off to college in a different city I gave up going to church. I almost felt like I needed a break. From what I saw, most of the girls were living like everyone else who didn't go to church and the ones who weren't were gossiping about and judging everyone who walked through the door. I felt like there was so much of an emphasis on what I was wearing and whether it not I was listening to Nsync or whatever, it just all started to feel like a joke. We weren't even allowed to wear tank tops. I just wanted to feel normal again. I never doubted that God was real but I knew there had to be more to Christianity than what I was exposed to. I was too shy to visit any churches near me on my own so I started to backslide. I met some new friends and decided I would come back to God after I had had some fun. I went to clubs for the first time, I got drunk for the first time, went on a couple of dates. I would even lie and say I had a on again off again boyfriend just so I could feel like I fit in. I lied about not being a virgin. I was really enjoying the normalcy that I was feeling. I didn't care what I was giving up at the time. I even started to wear really revealing clothes just because I could. I had dabbled in pornography since I was younger but now that I had my freedom I was watching it regularly. Which in turn made me feel like I just had to have sex. I decided it was unrealistic to wait til marriage since I hadn't even had a boyfriend yet. And further more it was God's fault for giving me these desires. Sadly I had put God in a box on a shelf and had no intentions of bringing him out anytime soon. Sin is only pleasurable for a season.
Life at rock bottom - Rock bottom for me started when I begin struggle financially. I had agreed to go on a trip for spring break with my friends. But unfortunately I was just a couple of hundred dollars short. Well in one of the dumbest decisions I've ever made, I decided to quit my job so that I could get my accumulated vacation time in one lump sum. Turns out I had a great time on my trip. But I cost me more than I bargained for. Upon returning I had maybe 2 or 3 weeks to find a job so I could have to money for my rent. I had already taken out a title loan on my car, which the car was now sitting in the parking lot because it died and I couldn't afford to get it fixed. I was lucky enough to have a few interviews. By this time I decided I was going to go to my last resort, it was time to get God off the shelf because I needed help. I prayed and asked for forgivness, asked him to come back into my heart, and asked him to let me find a job so I could pay my rent. Soon after I was called in to interview at a large hotel chain. I didn't even make it past the screening. They sent me home and I was devastated. More so, I was angry at God. How could he let this happen? Didn't he care at all that I was out of options and about to sell my soul for $300 an hour? I became bitter and hardened my heart to do what I thought I had to do. I responded to the ad on Craigslist that I had been contemplating for some time. The ad was looking for escorts. The woman was nice and I actually thought she was my friend. I initially thought that I would only need to go on dates and be eye candy. But she told me I would be expected to have sex with the clients, and my preconceived notions were not realistic. She told me I would be paid $300 per person per hour, and that I would need to give her $100 per hour. She gave me a name and took my pictures and told me to show up the next day. I decided I would only doing it for a day or two until I had money to pay my bills. I walked right into the enemy's trap. The first day was horrible. I had only had sex one time before that day and that only lasted 2 minutes. So to say I was inexperienced would be an understatement. I remember feeling less than a trash bag and turning my head away in tears because I didn't think I would survive the day. I had 3 appointments back to back that day. And by the time I left I didn't even feel like myself anymore. I couldn't wait to go home and shower and wash the men off of me. That day I left with more than enough to pay my rent but decided I should do it a little longer and save up my money so I would never have to work again. Even as I cried on the way home I blamed God, saying it was his fault for not helping me, so I decided I would once again turn my back on God. Escorting became easier and easier as I enjoyed the overflow of money, I had never had so much money in my life. I was grateful that this woman had given me a chance when no one else would. I was able to keep this part of my life hidden from my friends and family. For nearly a year. During the course of this year I learned to disconnect myself from what I was doing by saying when I'm at work I'm Carmen. But when I'm at home, I'm Ruth. Carmen has had sex with lots of men, Carmen is a prostitute, Ruth is not. I also had my first real boyfriend during the course of this time. I decided one night that I was sick of being single and wanted a boyfriend. I also told myself I didn't care if he ended up breaking my heart I just wanted to feel something. So I went searching for a boyfriend on social media. I sent out friend requests to any good looking men who were listed as single. Within minutes I had secured a date with this fine man named Anthony and so I descended further into rock bottom. I had absolutely no respect for myself by then so when he pushed to have sex on the first night we met I didn't care. I have him everything, I even began to feel so guilty about my double life that I started searching for a real job. It was hard because no one would call me back. Anthony and I had some rocky times, I knew he was cheating on me but didn't feel that I could truly fault him since technically every time I went to work I was doing the sane thing. About six months into our relationship and nearly one year after I had started escorting I was arrested in a vice sting operation. The officer posed as a client and when he left the room to let in the arresting officers I thought something else was going on and that I was about to be killed. Those few short moments really brought into perspective the amount of danger I put myself in and how God was still protecting me even in my rebellion. I thank God I had a praying mother. I coulda also ended up working for one of those crazed pimps who beat you and force you to work. Even in the ugliest situations I see how God was watching over me. I was arrested and spent the night in jail where I met an individual whose testimony of faith would touch my life and countless others. But I will touch on that later. While I was sitting in jail I realized how far I had come from the person I should have been. It was one of those moments in my life that I feel was a pivotal turning point for me. I vowed to cut all ties with this woman and never sale my body to men ever again. Luckily around this time I received student refund money from my school and was able to survive the next couple of weeks without a job. My boyfriend ended up bailing me out if jail but he was pissed because he knew what I had really done. Destroying the picture he had of me in his head forever. Even though I lied and made up some story about the charges being fake and that I was really only arrested because one of my friends had weed in my car. I know he never truly believed me. But I also knew that even though I cheated on him for pay, he cheated on me for free all the time. We continued to be together for 3 more months, but then broke up when I found evidence of him still cheating on me on his computer. It was so hard to walk away from this relationship and as heartbroken as I was, I was relieved that he was no longer my problem. I no longer had to deal with those trust issues, and I didn't have to look forward to a future of uncertainty with a man I didn't trust.
Life anew - Around a year later, I had still not completely surrendered to God. But I was working towards it. One day my sister called me at work and told me she had something like a dream and this dark figure told her to stop praying for me because I was going to end up in hell anyway. It was right then and there at work where I dropped to my knees and told God I was ready to surrender to him and I wanted him to come back into my heart. I started back attending church. And while my walk has not been perfect. I've still messed up a lot, but I have grown more and more each day in my walk. This was over 4 years ago. I am happy to say that I am walking with The Lord and allowing him to use me.
Life with purpose - I know I still have a long way to go but I feel so much purpose in my life that I never felt before. I have dealt with homelessness, poverty, and experienced the ugliness that is the sex industry. God has given me a heart to serve and I am heavily involved at my church. God has given me a heart for those who have struggled with the same things I have. I have never told my story before but I feel I need to tell it now. I have experience God like never before in just the past two years. I can't wait to see where he takes me from here. My relationship with God is truly the greatest love story I have ever known. He is my king. I used to go looking for love, even in the church. But now, I have learned to allow God to fill those voids and I am so complete, so healed, so loved by him.
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